Feb 27

I take my son to the heart doctor on march 5. I have to drive about 3 hours away but he is worth it. My sister is now been moved from jail to Rehab. She has been there for about 4 days now. I have already gotten a letter from her wanted me to bring stuff. I did that last week. I am trying to recover from my own codependent issues. I am having a hard time with it. She is my only sister, we don't have parents, she has no one but me. I in turn feel responsable. she knows that and used to her advantage. I know that is what she is doing, using me. But i can't seem to break the cycle.

life gets even better

Life gets even better. Yesterday I took my son to the doctor.He has been passing out at school. He had an ECHO guess what he has a hole in his heart. Great!!!!!!Let me fill you all in on this, I have 2 girls a 13 year old and an 10 year old. The 13 year old has already had open heart surgery. She was 22 months old at the time. The hole was the size of a half dollar. My 10 year old has two holes in her heart. they are small only as big around as your finger, my son has one too. his is very small. It is about as big around as a match stick. I knew it ran in our family but i thought that is was only in the girls. I am upset because i don't know yet how this will affect football. My son is amazing on the football field. One day you all will know his name. He is that good. I son't think that the hole is the reason he has been passing out. I think that is his blood sugar dropping. I guess when we get to the card. he will tell us more. I know that my 10 year old will have to have her's fixed. so i assume he will too.

I am sad

I can not tell you how sad it is to be dealing with addicts. people that you love and care about. the lies kill you slowly each and every time. just when you think it will be ok something happens and it is not. you suffer in ways that are scary. At least the addict has the drugs to kill the pain. I am dealing with it all sober. nothing numbs it. For some reason Guilt plays a big role in it. I feel guilty if i hurt her, if i say anything to cause pain and give her a reason to use.I have to go along and clean up the messes she makes. I assumed that when she left for rehab that all would be better, it is not. she calls me collect to clean up the mess. Pawn jewerly, broken promises, lies, then end never never comes. I am tired of it. I can not take anymore. Stop and leave me alone. I have my own problems. And my own issues. She is killing me just like she killed my momma.

I really am tired

I really don't think i am going to make it. My sister's 5 year old is here like i said. well yesterday he was running a high fever i called her and made her come home and take him to the doctor. He has Bronchitis. I am pretty sure it is because of her smoking in my bathroom, I told her from now on she had to go outside{ the baby can't breathe for Christ sake} This morning i get up and the bathroom sink is coated in ashes. Now we all know I have a love affair with Mr. Clean{ cleaning is my favorite thing to do} BUT right now the boy's ability to breathe is my concern. And smoking is not helping him. It is her child, does she not care?

make her go away please......

Well it is feb. and my sister should be off to rehab any day now. thank God. When she goes i am taking a forever break from her. I can not just be her friend she won't let me . I hate her at this point in my life, I really do. Now she has got her 5 year old kid here and Guess who has to take care of him, That's right ME. She needed to leave him with his Dad where he was being cared for just fine.